Over the last few weeks I’ve heard this phrase, or a form of it, several times. It’s a pattern I am choosing not to ignore.
A good friend’s elderly mother was recently hospitalized and went into an unresponsive state. My friend had some unresolved issues with this parent. This person was wracked with guilt because these issues and difficult conversations could never be had as the parent passed away in a few days.
I used to think there were families that didn’t have any issues, that there actually were functional families. I’ve come to realize over the years that every family has some level of dysfunction.
I think the level of function or dysfunction can be measured by how quickly they have the difficult conversations to deal with the issues that come up in every family. Far too often, it’s easy to put the difficult conversations in a drawer thinking we’ll deal with them later.
It takes courage to have difficult conversations.
Another friend I have, lost her mother at thirteen. I lost my dad at fourteen. We’ve had a few discussions of how those losses have affected us through the years. My friend never had a single conversation with her dad about the passing of his wife, her mother, until he was elderly and suffering with Alzheimer’s. The conversation wasn’t very fruitful. She wishes she’d had the courage to talk with him sooner.
I had a few conversations with my mom about the death of my dad but not enough. I often avoided it because I thought it would cause her pain and I didn’t want to do that. Recently, my younger brother ran across a document that was an autobiography of my mom’s half brother, my half uncle. His mother, who was married to my grandfather, passed away during the flu epidemic of 1918. Reading his words only raised more questions about the history of my family than provided answers. Looking back, I wish i wouldn’t have waited for “the right time.”
Courageous conversations are often painful conversations.
In hindsight, my mom, most likely, would have relished a conversation with the tough questions. I never asked her what it was like for her to lose her husband when she was forty-three years old with three boys 16, 14, and 9. She was a stay at home mom for my pastor dad. We lived in a parsonage so we had to move out and find a place to live. I often wonder how she managed. I should have asked.
A few weeks back I received an unexpected card in the mail from some people who have had a significant impact in my life. I haven’t seen them for many years. I’ve had great intentions but have often thought ”I’ll visit them soon. I’m sure I’ll have plenty of time.” The card I received from them was to inform me of the passing of someone we both knew well as a result of our mutual relationships. As I read the card I was reminded of the recent conversations I had had about people thinking they would have more time.
Intention wasn’t good enough this time. I needed to take action. I was able to meet them for breakfast last week and we had a great conversation. Obviously, we shared memories of the things that brought us and tied us together but more of the conversation was about life and the challenges we’ve faced and the lessons we’ve learned.
I was greatly blessed that day to meet with my friends and I hope they were blessed by our meeting as well.
These kinds of conversations don’t just need to happen in our personal lives. They need to happen in our professional lives as well. Broken, damaged or even simply distant relationships require an act of courage. We don’t know what will happen when we reach out.
If we choose to act courageously, in spite of the outcome of the conversation, our memory can be, “I’m glad I did that.”
If we choose to not act and wait for “the right time,” whatever that means, our memory will likely be, “I wish I would have done something but I thought there would be more time.”
Who is waiting to have a courageous conversation with you?
Have a STRONG and COURAGEOUS day!
Do you need a speaker for an upcoming event? I’d love to be that guy. You can reach me at dave@cultivatecourage.com or 952-200-7499.
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This is an updated blog post that originally ran on June 29, 2015.
