My dad died very suddenly when I was fourteen years old. I knew he loved me through his actions and how he treated me and my brothers but I don’t ever remember hearing him tell me he loved me.
I’m from Scandinavian and German stock. We don’t express our emotions much and if we do it’s something like, “Excuse me, I must have something in my eye.”
Another factor in the emotion quotient is being a man and a jock. You’ve got to be tough and don’t let anyone get an edge on you because they’ll think you’re weak and an easy mark.
Having two daughters and now two grandchildren has helped me inch my way along the show my emotion spectrum but it surely is at an elderly snail’s pace.
About eighteen months ago my younger brother found out he needed triple bypass surgery. My brother is an amazing guy. He had a kidney transplant about twenty-five years ago but you would never know it. While I was the athlete growing up he now sets the standard for Cornell athletes as a passionate cyclist and scuba diver. He looked to be the picture of health except for the unseen dreaded Cornell genes.
Both of my brothers and I are much closer than we ever were as kids. Our interests were so varied growing up that most of our interaction came at mealtime or holidays.
For several days leading up to his surgery I had this urge to call him. While I’m not sure if dad ever told me he loved me I know I had never told my brother I loved him.
While bypass surgery is almost routine nowadays you just never know. Finally, the night before his surgery I mustered up the courage to call him. I asked how he was doing and told him we were praying for him and then offered some frivolous chit chat to prolong the reason for my call as long as I could.
Finally, I said it. Just blurted it out. “I just want you to know I love you and I’m glad you’re my brother.” Whew. It was over.
In true Cornell brother fashion he responded, “ What? You think I’m going to die?” That’s how we stoics deal with emotional things. We joke about them.
I told him I thought it was going to be a flying success and he would have a very quick recovery but that things don’t always go as planned and I needed to tell him that.
Again, he responded with his sarcastic, cutting wit that we all seem to be known for, “Oh, so this is just to ease your conscience when I’m gone.” More gallows humor.
Eventually he thanked me for calling and said that he loved me too. He ended up having a quintuple bypass and today is back healthier than ever and continuing to bike and scuba dive.
It took a lot of courage for me to make that call but I’m glad I did. I told him and he knows. There’s something about saying it and hearing it that completes our relationships.
Now, when my older brother has some kind of major health crisis I’ll tell him too.
We can’t go back and speak or hear the unspoken when people are gone. Who deserves your courage to tell them something special? Don’t wait until it’s too late or for the right time. It may never come.
John 3:16
Have a STRONG and COURAGEOUS day!
Love this story Dave! I think it is so important to say I love you! I try to tell my kids every time I see them or talk with them these small little words, if they say it back, I feel warm and at peace with life. I try to always say this to me siblings and parents. It is so hard for our parents who are from a different generation to say it first so now, I wait in silence when ending a conversation with them and in doing so, I eventually have to say the three little words that they cannot say first, I love you! Thanks for sharing this with us!
Thank you, Vanessa. I so appreciate your patience with your parents and initiating those three important words. You’ll never regret it!
Bravely said Dave, those word for some reason seem harder for the guys than the girls. Having lost dear ones, I am glad I always said those words. To live with no regrets, big or small is to be braver than you think you are.
Thank you, Patti. I agree that it is more difficult for guys than girls but certainly every bit as important and I know you would agree! We have opportunities to be brave and courageous every day!
Why are you waiting for a major health issue to tell your older brother? 🙂
Lorri, I hope you are doing well! I’ve seen you pop up several times recently in my Linkedin feed!
I have been doing some work on my blog and ran across your comment from nearly four years ago that hadn’t been responded to! My apologies!
Your question is a valid one regarding telling my older brother I love him! Please know that I have done so but it did take me a little while to do it. I’m not proud of that but the comments of others as well made me realize the importance of doing so!
Thank you, Lorri! Please let me know if I can be of help or assistance to you in any way!
Dave Cornell